Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
