how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
