You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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