I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
