well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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