I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
