Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
