Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
