The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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