we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize