Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
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