i just had sex bonerless
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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