im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize