Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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