Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
