It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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