I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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