you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
