i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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