we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Randomize
