Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
