The maid of honor just puked.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
