there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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