I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
