I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
