fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
