So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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