I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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