I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
