why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
