my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
