WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
