420 ftw
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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