So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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