apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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