wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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