It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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