You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
