textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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