Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
he high fived his dick after we had sex
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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