Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Four minutes until I can fart!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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