I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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