He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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