I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
