found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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