So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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