Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize