Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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