i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
