Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
