he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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