just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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