hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
where are my eyebrows?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
