taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
