When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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