clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
