If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
