I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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