my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
